Here we are. 52 weeks in. What a year it has been!

In the planning, it all felt very neat. The baptism, the first birthday, the first day of nursery, the first day of school, the first day back at work. All happening over 8 days. It felt tidy.

But the reality is very overwhelming. So overwhelming that I just checked the clock, saw it was 10.40pm and thought ‘yikes, better blog!’. It’s my very last Two Tuesday! How could I have forgotten? Well, all that other stuff might have had something to do with it.

So what did we do this last week?

There was a trip to the coffee shop to see some other children starting reception, followed by a trip to the park. Sophia enjoyed playing with her new friends, and myself and two other Mums truly bonded over Disneyland.

Aidan had two more settling in sessions. Afterwards, Nathan, Aidan and I went to the pub for lunch while Soph was at her Nanny’s.

The next day, we went to Princess Ballet with Jasmine, which Sophia has wanted to do for ages, and absolutely loved. We had tea with our friends, who are now two of Aidan’s godparents.

Saturday was Baptism and party day. It all went really well. We had a couple of hiccups (the singer turned up at ASSF, the food was delayed due to illness and we had a couple of family members working far too hard on the bar) but apart from that, it was wonderful!

The service itself was the best bit. We had our good friends from Formby take the service and preach, just like at Soph’s baptism. Nathan read his poem, and instead of reading a poem again, I sang! I was determined to do it, but I felt sick about it for days beforehand, and at the time, my fitbit registered a heartrate of 174!

On Sunday, we all went to ASSF as Nathan was taking the service! He did a great job but it was a tough gig because it involved a big baptism, which can be hard to handle. Afterwards, we came home and opened some of Aidan’s presents.

Yesterday was Aidan’s first day of nursery, and it was a tough day. He wasn’t too bad at drop off. I sat outside for a while in case I needed to go back in, but after 15 minutes, I drove home to take Sophia on a girl date to the trampoline park. Messages from his nursery were that he was unsettled, and eventually, it was suggested I come and get him. We picked him up at 12. He had been really upset and wasn’t eating. We got home, and he spent a good couple of hours not smiling at me but being his usual self with Nathan and Sophia.

The Mum Guilt was real. He wouldn’t even be there if I hadn’t decided to go back to work. He wouldn’t need to go through this if I was prepared to stay at home with him. It’s not his fault, he didn’t ask for this, I did. On and on it went, the Mum Guilt. Ebbing and flowing, louder and quieter throughout the afternoon and evening until I found myself on the phone to Mum and Gran, weepy, eating not one but two pots of cookie dough.

I felt better after a chat. I went to bed and in the morning I was ready to support Sophia in her first day at school. I also suggested Nathan drop Aidan off this morning. I wasn’t being a wimp – I don’t wimp out of anything when it comes to my children. I’ll take them to any vaccinations, have any hard conversations with them. There isn’t anything I won’t do. However, Aidan needed to know that it isn’t just me who is doing this to him – it’s something we are doing as a family.

Anyway, Aidan had a much better time today. He settled better, joined in more, cried less, and ate much more food. In the end, we picked him up at 12 again and quit while we were ahead, meaning that his experience today was so much more positive than yesterday.

Between Aidan’s drop off and pick up, though, was Sophia’s first day in Reception. I say day, it was an hour stay and play with us both! Nevertheless, putting on the uniform, having the photo at the door and walking to school with good pal from church, Ruben, was a very big moment. I’m so proud of her and pleased for her. I’m one of those weirdos who loved school, pretty much all of it. I hope it makes her as happy as it did me!

So, as you can see, it’s been a lot! Until now, I haven’t had the chance to reflect on this being the last Two Tuesday blog.

What I’d most like to say is: thank you. Thanks for reading along. Thanks for the encouragement and empathy. Thanks for the support and the shared laughter. Thanks for caring. Thank you for helping me feel less alone. Thank you for loving our children with us. Thank you for indulging me as I’ve documented so many moments of the past year. I’m so pleased I will always have these blogs to look back on. They capture so much of the most incredible year.

But it’s nearly over. As I said to Nathan in the kitchen tonight, how can it be possible to really not want to do something again, and yet miss it so terribly much? Because I do miss my babies, especially this week. They’re both off, taking the next steps in their lives. Big, big steps.

And where does that leave me? It leaves me a little less needed, and a little bit liberated. It’s sad and delightful all at once. It doesn’t leave my head clear for Sunday (sorry!). But it does mean I am able to take a step of my own.

Thank you again for all your support.

More next time…