Happy Monday! We’ve officially done a week of juggling!

This last week I… had three whole hours to myself crocheting and drinking coffee in the Hub! I think this last happened some time in summer 2024. I also chaired my first church council meeting, cleared my emails, went to the Hub (again), did a Sweaty Mama session, took a prayer service, went to Toddler Group, wrote my Sunday talk, went to the Hub (again!), did some breastfeeding support training, took one Sunday service and attended another.

Our day off as a four was lovely. We went to a vintage market and the library, spent some book tokens, and had lunch in our favourite chain, Lounges.

Ministry is lovely. In my head I’m like a kid in a candy shop, wondering what to go for first. I don’t have a back log of work, and the C word is still a way off, so it’s nice to ease gently back in.

Mum life is quite tough. Aidan is struggling to settle with his childminder. Today is the beginning of week 3, so I appreciate that it hasn’t been a long time yet. But today was the first time we didn’t need to pick him up at lunchtime because he was so distressed. The reason he did longer today is because the other kids were ill and there was only him there, so there were two members of staff and him.

On Wednesday night, Sophia had her first session at Rainbows. If you ask her how it went, she will tell you she loved it. She is only remembering the last 25 minutes and seems to have forgotten the first 35 where she wouldn’t let me out of her sight and cired when I said I was going. She did settle in the end, and on Sunday she was telling everybody at church what a wonderful time she had. And she did in the end, but the first half was tough.

Cognitively, I accept that all this is normal. Sophia has had so much change, so it’s understandable that Rainbows was a stretch. And Aidan is one year old. We’ve worked so hard on our bond all year. This is so new to him. It wouldn’t be right if he just happily crawled away from me straight away.

But my goodness, the guilt. If I could be fulfilled by being at home, he wouldn’t have to go through this. If I didn’t like having two incomes so much, I could stay at home. If I thought less about me and more about him, he wouldn’t need to go through this.

I have some very contrasting feelings at the moment. I am so happy to be back. I’m ready to get stuck in and work hard and see what God has for our wonderful team to join in with.

But at the same time I feel guilty and anxious. I can’t concentrate when I know Aidan is upset. He’s my sweet baby who doesn’t cry much. To know he’s crying for long periods of time is awful. Then I feel guilty again because I’m distracted.

To be honest, the best thing at the minute is when he’s asleep in the car and I get my laptop out. I know he’s fine and I can get stuff done. One positive is that I’m now very efficient, and it takes me an hour to do what used to take me three.

When Aidan was born, I hated not being able to meet both his and Sophia’s needs at the same time. It was always one or the other because their needs were so different. I guess I’m going through the same thing with my vocations. I’m struggling to hold both of them together.

Apart from when I held Aidan for the entire service because he wouldn’t be put down or go to anybody else… then I held these two vocations together!

And, like when I had a newborn and a toddler, we’ll come through this. We will all adjust. It will be OK. It’s just hard right now when we’re in the trenches.

As I said to Nathan, the only person whose expectations I am not meeting is me!

What Sophia said: first thing Friday morning ‘I don’t want to go, I’m so tired, I just want to sleep all day!’. Don’t we all, Soph!

Highlight: turning the play couch into a boat and going on an adventure with Sophia and Aidan one evening before bed.

More next time x