Changes

It’s 9.07pm and I go back to work part time tomorrow.

I’ve spent the evening straightening up my study in preparation. I’m going to be clicking ‘turn off auto-reply’ on my emails in the morning. I’ll go through the 383 emails and work out what needs dealing with and what doesn’t.

Once upon a time, many years ago, it was suggested that Nathan’s career was more important than mine because I would need to take leave when we had a family. I let that little tiny comment turn into something very ugly to the point that years later, when I did become pregnant, I was determined that I wouldn’t be taking much leave at all. My career mattered, so I would be back to work as soon as I could.

When the baby grew and I felt the little flickers of life beating on the inside, something changed and I decided to compromise with myself. I’d take six months leave. Six months was half of what I was entitled to. After that, I’d go part time.

But then she arrived. And nothing was the same. Nothing is the same.

I thought I knew what vocation was, I thought I knew what it was to be something rather than to just do something. I thought I knew what it was to be called, and I really believed that nothing would ever trump being ordained in God’s church.

But now, for me, ministry is not the main purpose of my life. Somebody came along and knocked it down the ladder of importance. Sophia has changed my life. She has helped me see what matters most. We have spent nearly every hour together for the past six months, and I feel sad that it’s about to change even though I know it’s what is best. When she’s not with me she will be with her Daddy, so what else could I wish for?

But still, sitting here at my desk is hard and strange. And I’m a blogger, so I just needed to get that all down somewhere.

If you read along, thank you.

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