22nd November 2020
So it’s official, and it’s been official for a whole week!
In the last 7 days I’ve taken three tests, all of which came back positive, and they had increasingly darkening lines. My initial thoughts are that no matter how much you want it, hope for it, pray for it, it’s still a bit of a shock when it happens!
I mean, we’ve had a crazy year already. Nathan got a job. I got a job. Lockdown came. We moved house. We both became vicars. We got our churches back open. I got Covid. Nathan got Covid. I felt better. Nathan felt better. For a few days, we were still in isolation…
Anyway, last Sunday night, it was the first night of our annual leave. We were drinking wine, as we like to do. Towards the end of the evening, I said ‘you know, I probably shouldn’t have drunk this. I’m due any day.’ Nathan said ‘you could always do a test’.
The idea stuck in my mind so I snuck upstairs and did a test. 1 minute in: no second line. ‘Oh well’ I thought as I washed my hands ‘might as well have another glass of wine’. As I was drying my hands, something caught my eye. I looked at the test again. There it was. A very feint second line.
I was so shocked that I put it in my bedside draw and carried on as if nothing had happened. I got myself an ice water and we went to bed. Throughout the night, I kept waking up and looking at the test, just to check if I had imagined it. It wasn’t until the morning that I told Nathan.
I showed him the test. He asked what it meant. ‘Second line means positive’. ‘Okay’ Nathan said, in the same way he does when a funeral director rings up to say there was a funeral they want him to do.
I wasn’t particularly impressed at this reaction, but I also knew that Nathan was being cautious and neither of us wanted to get our hopes up. However, 5 days and two more tests later, there could be no doubt about it.
So, all in all, we’ve had quite a strange few days off! Some moments, I have been grateful for the space to chat and think things through at a slower pace than we are used to. In other moments I have been desperate to get back to work to stop myself obsessing.
It probably won’t surprise you to know that within 24 hours of seeing that second faint line, I had completed a spreadsheet of things we would need to buy. I took ‘new-born baby must have’ lists from different websites and compiled my own list.
I researched places that sell vests, moses baskets, car seats, maternity bras, Sudocrem and reusable nappies. The spreadsheet tells me where all these things can be found, how many we will need and how much they are likely to cost. The current running total is £1600. The total will automatically update as other items are added.
I’ve not been able to sleep for thinking about names, Godparents, how to tell people and whether or not we could make some kind of phased maternity/paternity leave work which, even if possible, would require, yep, you guessed it, more spread sheets.
All this, and I am currently probably 2 and a half or 3 and a half weeks pregnant.
Am I getting ahead of myself?
In most ways: absolutely.
But in other ways, no. My body is already different. I am tired, bloated, hungry and itchy. I cried at three different points during a film called ‘Ugly Dolls’. I almost sobbed when my Granny showed me the hat she was knitting for my cousin’s little boy. Who knew pompoms could make me so emotional?!
I am also occasionally very grumpy.
Poor Nathan has had the worst of it, as has one unfortunate person from St Giles. I think Nathan can’t wait to start telling people so that he can explain why his wife is behaving so erratically!
Having said that, I don’t think that ‘don’t let anyone in the house during lockdown’ and ‘don’t be persuaded to go to church and look at Christmas hampers when we are supposed to be on holiday’ were unreasonable requests. Next time I will try not to stomp over to church in my pjs and big boots and insist that Nathan come home.
Anyway, we know we have a long way to go and nothing is certain. For this reason, we haven’t told anybody apart from the Doctor and it will be a secret for a few weeks yet. In a way, being away from family and friends is helping. We get this gorgeous grape juice from Asda and when you put it in a wine glass it could be a glass of red. Nathan found some alcohol free gin which tastes quite like gin and I can put it in a gin balloon with ice and look like I’m having a drink when I’m on zoom calls.
I’ve stopped my medication and cut down on caffeine over the last few days. This, combined with the pregnancy hormones leave me feeling dizzy with a fuzzy head and weird, pounding ears. On the family chat on Friday night, my Mum thought I was drunk! I did feel somewhat hungover and very spaced out, but I definitely wasn’t drunk! I was happy to let her think it though. I don’t want to get anybody’s hopes up.
Tomorrow’s jobs are to ring the midwife (yikes!) and the GP to talk about switching my meds to baby-friendly ones as soon as we can. I am pleased to be back to work, too. I need to distract myself to keep from spiraling and obsessing, which isn’t good for anybody.
I’m signing off now. Can’t wait to publish this in a few months time!
Poppy, a hopeful Mum-to-be